It’s a wonderful concept, right? Possibility gives you all these hopes and dreams you’ve never had before – It gives you the feeling that things can and will get better by some magic intervention of the fates of happiness.
It scares the crap out of me.
With every opportunity to embrace possibility comes a correlating risk. And risk-taking is invariably failure prone, otherwise it would be called sure thing taking. It makes me nervous and leaves me wondering if it is better to leave well alone, stick with what I know, what I understand, what I do best.
You see, it seems to be that every time I consider embracing a new possibility, I end up faltering, being disappointed or having no option but to re-start my life completely.
It gets very tedious to do, dealing with possibility, yet that does not stop life from sending it my way. Sometimes I wish I could just go for a ride, get in my car and drive whichever way the road takes me, forget about reality and all the painful moments it presents.
Yet the problem is that I’m not that person. I am the girl with big aspirations for success that laden my life with no small amount of stress. I’m not the girl that backs down from moving forward, even if I don’t always do it in the right way I still try.
I talk big and want big things for myself. I want to be fearless and make something of myself.
Lately, to my own shameful realisation, I have sort of forgotten that. I (to be dead honest) have been sidetracked by silly boys who give me reasons to feel fear and self-loathing in spite of myself. In my defence, I think I was looking to live by what other people say the rules are. You know – girl must date boy in order to seem normal.
But who are we kidding here? I will never for as long as I live be normal. It is not a possibility, and thank goodness for that. I don’t know what compelled me to try and live by a standard of rules that are not my own and for which, quite frankly, I do not care much.
So, for now, my heart (no matter how in need it feels) is going back on the shelf. No point of wasting my life with a man (ANY man) who does not follow the simple rules . I have my own rules about these things and what I am beginning to understand is that just because someone doesn’t know my rules, doesn’t mean I have to settle for his.
I have a long list of ambitions for myself, I always have had. It’s not that I have forgotten them, but it’s hard not to get sidetracked sometimes by possibility.
So tonight I will spend some time re-organising my priorities, shifting the goalposts back to where I started, because not so long ago, I was a girl with a big dream with a sense of structure and purpose that was held together by a very intent focus.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want someone in my life. I think the cynic in me is able to let up for long enough now to admit that it would be more than nice to have someone special in my life, but if I do, I would now suggest that he learn to play the game by my rules better than anyone has ever been able to, and then play the game WITH me, not FOR me or AGAINST me.
Sometimes what I need is not possibility, but clarity. I think I’ve just had a moment filled with it, and so I will savour this moment… and then go on out there and apply it.