Snowstorms and selfishness
Since I have started taking a big step back from my life, letting things happen and not being so terribly self-involved to the point of over analyzing every person’s motives and sweating the small stuff instead of seeing the bigger picture, I have experienced such a phenomenally great time that I have to pinch myself to check it’s all real. (More on that later, I promise!!)
However, there are emotions in my life that remain lurking in the shadows, constantly waiting for my will to move forward to falter. Human frailty is a big part of what makes us humane, and I would not change that, but I wish that dumb bitch would listen to me sometimes. She has this way of sticking her foot in my mouth and then I have to deal with the consequences, with the confusion and resentment and general anguish it all creates… One of the best guys I know (thank heavens he’s in my life) said something to me the other day that struck such a chord:
“Maresa, it’s all going to snowball, but instead of snow, it’s going to be shit and it will take you down with it.”
Kind of crass, but it struck with me, because I agreed with him and more than that, I think that if people have the insight and ability to see the bigger picture, they are duty bound to themselves (Rule number one, look after number one) and to the people in their lives to be the bigger person, to step back, or dig in, or do whatever the situation calls for to not continue with a course that is only going to end in uncomfortable silence and nothingness. We’re not ostriches and should not merely stick our heads in the sand in the hope that it will magically all just *poof* disappear. (Yes, *poof*).
As you all know, I am not a very patient person. It (apart from the amount I talk) is my biggest flaw. I do not have the ability to sit back and let things happen. I work on this flaw daily, and will continue to work on it, but one of the other things I have learnt is that it has the tendency to make me very near-sighted and sort of selfish, amongst other things. Not purposefully, but as a sort of by-product of impatience. Because if you want what you want when you want it (and I do), there is little considering done before the acting is enacted. Impulsiveness breeds selfishness. (It also breeds great times, but ultimately, that may be just as selfish… if you really think about it)
And so that is my new motto for this coming time, another bit of growth I guess. I want to be less selfish about the things that I want. I want to consider others more sincerely. Stand still and listen to a friend’s problems or their joys. Not be so involved with my own wicked mind that I forget about those around me and what they may be thinking. Not let my own cynicism and doubt shade my reality into something sinister when it is not. Trust my friend’s judgment and advice, trust myself more, value myself and my own impeccable worth so that I am more able to share that with those I love (as supposed to that whiny bitch we were talking about earlier). Retreat without resentment and give those who need it space to figure it out for themselves at their own time. Or hold close to me those who yearn for it, but may be too proud to ask.
I love the snow, I always have… I don’t want it to hit me where it hurts and then melt away, never to transform my life with its magic and beauty again….