My escape from reality
This week has started off with a bang, and like I said, the crocodiles are pretty damn near devouring my eyeballs. My stress levels are kicked into overdrive. I fully realise how much of a sink or swim situation I find myself in. Luckily for me, pressure (i.e. the crocodiles I so fondly find swimming around me) brings out the best in me. Sitting around and not having much structure and purpose in my life brings out the bitch in me.
It very much has to do with the extent of confidence and control I have in my professional life. I know I’m good at my job. I am keen to learn and learn, I do fast. I am focused and interested and have defined and structured goals, deadlines. I apply my mind to the matter at hand and my emotions only strengthen my passion for my subject matter. I feel I have worth and that my future is in my own control. This is my possibility and therefore my responsibility. I am ambitious and certain and it is without a doubt the most fulfilling thing I have in my life. I feel like, for the first time in my life, I belong somewhere. I am an asset to people and I have a worth that radiates and is recognised.
Which is totally contrasted by the state of play in my personal life. There is this strangest of things that happen. It is like all that certainty I have in my professional life is forsaken for the balance beam between self-doubt and self-confidence. It is a constant contradiction. Two events can be the exact same, but I never deal with it in the same way. There is no consistency, and my emotions merely serve as the ash that kills my own flame too quickly, leaving me in the dark and uncertain. What I feel today is totally different to what I will feel tomorrow. One side of me is completely sure of herself and knows what she wants. The other is not sure she even wants to find out what she wants. It is like I have this ideal in my head of how I want to be, and then there is the truth about me that is shaded with all sorts of untruths.
And so my fantasy world that I look forward to every day, my escape from reality, is my reality. The responsibility of real life does not scare me. The challenges of succeeding in my career are like fairy tales waiting to come true. I am hopeful and I am happy and I live every day as if it is the best day there ever was… The rest of the stuff (my personal life) that to me is scarier than a bat out of hell….