Wildfires on sheets of snow

I am not a sunshine and roses person. I know it seems that way, but when you stick around for more than a glass of red wine and a good time, you will notice that I do not see the world like you do. I do not experience emotion or process thoughts like you do. I am the first person to tell you that there are parts of me that are really messed up, but I am also the first person to tell you that it does not help to flaunt that. People like fun people. People want to be around awesome people. I am awesome.

I am not implying that the world is full of optimistic bunny-hugging people that think that all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds. I get that you are hurting too, and I get that you are depressed, or angry, or full of shit. Believe me, I GET IT. What you seem to forget about me is that pretending everything is fine, does not in fact make it fine. It makes me better adjusted for interaction with society, I’m sure, and it certainly gives the impression that I do care.

Which, of course, I do. I really do care. I think people that go around screaming about how they don’t care about others or the world or themselves are hypocrites. You’re full of it and you know it. No-one cares about nothing. And saying you care about nothing doesn’t make it true, it just makes you an ass. Maybe the real problem with people like that is that no-one actually cares about them. Defence mechanism. I get it.

So what was I telling you again? Oh, right, I’m not a sunshine and roses person. I prefer winter and snow, which you all know I do.

However, that does not change the fire burning within my soul, the passion with which I live my life and the veracity with which I feel. Every now and then I meet someone with such deep and explosive power over my body and mind and soul that I cannot think straight. My heart aches and my emotions run wild and I have no control. It is exhilarating and exhausting. It’s like the best and the worst of me melted into one giant flame that consumes me, annihilating my life until that spark finally burns out quicker than what it was ignited. And burn out, it does.

Left with nothing but ash and burnt to the brunt of my being, I always know what comes next. I meet someone who nurtures me like I need it, generally more of a friend but then not quite, someone who makes me feel comfortable, special. Someone who wants me, but who doesn’t need me. Someone who builds a new fire, slowly seducing me into the world of wanting to have a heart again. I crackle and gasp in the smoky haze of trying to remember what it feels like to be passionate without setting my whole world on fire. Eventually the kindling of two spirits who spent just a fraction of a second being a part of each other’s lives just sort of stays. It doesn’t really evolve or change or go anywhere really. It’s just there. Stagnant, but steady. Like the embers of a fire, these men, these guys who unwittingly pull me from the brink of extinction, are the ones that I form the fondest memories of. They are the unsung heroes of my heart, the ones that make me smile the most, even when it never is what it could be, because what could be was never there.

And so I burn and regrown, and burn and regrow. Never healthy, never quite stable, either too sizzling or too safe. Never normal. Never in control. Never boring either. The Maresa Recipe, as my dearest of friends said to me. At the time, I couldn’t see it, couldn’t set out my own pattern clearly. Smoke inhalation from the twisted naturally self-caused disaster that was my life right then didn’t allow me to get that this is exactly what I  do. I burn myself down until I’m so destroyed I lie dormant in the ground until some unsuspecting soul finds me and nurtures me back to health, just so that I can go off and play with matches again. Now, I get it…

But then there are those I meet that want me and like me… Those who come along just as the fire in me feels homely, comforting, calm almost. It is sort of unfamiliar to not have anything to fret about, to just cuddle up with a blanket and watch worries pass me by. Curious, this notion is. It’s a brave new world out there filled with adventure and romance and all the things that we wish we had, if but only for a brief moment. I am taking slow, deep breaths and who knows, just maybe there is some balance to the universe I have yet to discover.

I am not a sunshine and roses person. But maybe I can just sit by the fireplace next to such a person for a little while. And maybe by just sitting there this sort of new warmth will linger around me to keep me warm this winter, and more hopefully, make me warm.

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