11 June 2011: The weekend of worth
Ok, for the sake of clarity, let me backtrack to 9 June 2011 for those of you who are not on my social networking sites. Boyfriend left me…. I did NOT see that one coming. You’re not going to get to read all about it, because some things are still private to me, but the basics are that it was his decision, it’s not me it’s him. Shocker.
Needless to say Friday wasn’t exactly a chipper day for me, I felt betrayed, lied to, lonely, confused, and desperate to try and keep what was left of my dignity but struggling to find my fighter mode. I had opened my life to another person. If you’ve been bitten more than twice, you’re not shy, you’re plain pissed off. I also had to tell my friends and family that the guy I thought was worth taking a shot on simply wasn’t. We live and we learn. We also drink tequila.
Having experienced too many a messy break up due to my own stupidity of looking backwards, I have made an effort to not be messy about this. He doesn’t want to be with me, so then he doesn’t get to be with me. I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to hurt him, but one’s energy is far better reserved for your work or friends than spent on a man that does not want to be with you. I’m old enough to know better. And so when my phone starting beeping on Friday night (we’re at 10 June 2011 now people, do keep up) while I was drinking said tequila with the greatest of friends one can hope for and singing I will Survive loudly into the microphone and dancing through the darkness of self-doubt that always comes, I relinquished my phone to my awesome man friend who is pro-breakup and anti-bacon in the morning.
On Saturday morning (the date in question), I woke up with a restless soul and a need for adventure. And adventure presented itself in Alberton. For those of you who live in Johannesburg, just pretend I said Hyde Park and not *aherm* Alberton. See, I’ve recently re-met a man (boy would be the wrong term here) that I knew about 8 years ago at varsity and this was to be our first day catching up.
Boy, did we catch up! But more about that later, for as long stories go, that one is pretty epic… Sunday morning came and it is with a lightness of heart that I accepted Boy That Is Friend’s invite to graze and shop. Crumpets with syrup and bacon. (See, I’m pro-bacon, I just carefully choose who I share it with in the morning). And through the by the by of gossip and gabbing, I told him the single most important revelation I have had in a long time.
I have worth.
I’ll say it again.
I. HAVE. WORTH.
It may seem silly, but for me, and the me that enters into a relationship with a man in particular, I never feel quite worthy of being with the guy I’m with. For someone who is as strong and independent as I am, I feel inferior too often. It boils down to “I don’t love me, so that’s how I understand why you don’t either.” But this weekend, with all the love I was surrounded by, and the absolute wonder I experienced – moments of pure and absolute happiness reflected in the eyes of those I was with – and was a part of, I knew for the first time without a doubt that I have worth, that there are so many people out there who look at me and see that, who appreciate that, to whom I mean so much.
I may have been dumped by a guy last week, but this weekend I feel in love with myself all over again.
*Ps. This is not the independent single woman speech, or even the I hate men speech – love you guys! If anything, realising I’m ok funnily makes me more ok with the idea of being with someone. Just so’s you know.