23 June 2011: Every action has a reaction

So I guess this post is more of a relationship thing than a today’s topic thing, but as in life sometimes it’s more complicated than that. What the heck, I’m ranting anyway so let’s just get on with it.

As you may have read, I have recently re-acquired my single status. It’s been exactly two weeks since Boyfriend said adios to me and moved on with his life. As I have moved on with mine. In many ways it was the jolt I needed. I’m hungry for more again and I cannot wait to go out there and get it. By “it” I don’t mean “some”, you gutter minds! (Ok fine, maybe just a bit of some, but only if it’s worth it)

I mean in the deeper sense – I want to set goals and achieve them. Look at studying again perhaps, or learn a new language, take up playing an instrument or finally kicking the funk I have been hiding in and go get sexy again. (Ugh, gym. Even the word repels me. Save me now.) Just something. Anything. I don’t do well with sitting still, as is evident by my many migrations. I love Joburg, but I’m – dare I say it – getting bored. Overall therefore, it is a good thing. I think. Or not. I know that I avoid stuff by staying busy, but you know what, at least I’m being productive, right?

However, here’s the thing. From the very night Boyfriend left me, he keeps on contacting me. He may have banished me from his social networking, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has my number and my email addresses. The latest was an invite to dinner. Seemingly innocent. Deadly in nature. What good could come of it? We’ll sit around and talk while the awkward pink elephant in the room keeps staring at us or we’ll go down the dangerous road of what could have been, or even more dangerously, go down the stupid road of just one more night for old times sake. None of these options are going to change the fact that he left me.And by leaving me all the possibility of what could have been walked right out the door with him.

So I have not replied to his email. Of course, this makes me feel über guilty and the term heinous bitch comes to mind. We all know though that it’s not that. I want to reply. I miss him sometimes – I liked going out to dinner with him and making plans and waking up to a message from him and getting flowers brought to my office and getting to know him and all of the great stuff that comes with a start of something new. More than anything I liked that he thought I was special. He made me believe that I was this super girl and that he was this incredibly lucky guy that could not believe he had found this hidden treasure that all other guys had somehow overlooked.

But then he left me. Not so special. And dinner isn’t going to take that back. Dinner, in fact, is only going to sooth his conscious and make me feel like throwing up. Who wants to be the girl who was almost good enough to date. So ok, I’m not replying, and I’m moving on. Don’t you dare judge me for it.