I cannot say anything. I just can’t. I have been too afraid to put finger to key, because I am too afraid to break this brittle beginning of something I have dreamed of.
I have fallen in love. I have made the conscious decision to believe that this time it WILL be different. I have no guarantees and I am aware of the fickle nature of nurturing a love so deep that it takes your breath away. It is scary. It is real. And it is at my doorstep.
Trust me, you think you love someone, but when the real deal shows up (which contrary to fairy tales may happen more than once – I’m still no sucker for ‘the one’, so chin up), it’s not as fluffy as you think it would be. It is, in a word, serious. You’re not 18 any more and ever after isn’t 10 years away. It’s right now. Being with someone becomes not just about passion and love, but about security and compatibility and longevity. Like I said, it’s scary, people.
I am now officially – it’s on FaceBook people – someone’s girlfriend. He is pretty much my dream guy… Ok, no, excuse me for a moment while I bask in the glorious cheese of loving someone: He is abso-fucking-lutely my dream guy. He is intelligent, ambitious and romantic and sings so beautifully that I sit there melting like, well, cheese. He is gorgeous and affectionate and has a great family background and when he smiles at me, I know he loves me and only me. He is just jealous enough to make me realise he wouldn’t give me up without a fight, but generous enough to not be possessive. He encourages me to do right by myself and makes me feel good about doing right by him. He opens my car door and dances with me. A single kiss from his lips turns me right on. He cooks and cleans and is a deep person with a soul that carries the weight of the world with it, yet has all the love to give. He watches rugby and has great taste in music and cares about my friends. Oh, and he is so hot it makes my toes curl. To mention but a few attributes I love.
Yes, he is not perfect, but I would never want him to be. What I do hope for, with a hope long since forgotten by a jaded past filled with shady men, is that he will have the guts and the glory to face this fear with me. I do not doubt that he loves me with all his heart, but it is scary to realise you could practically and passionately spend the rest of your life with someone. Sometimes it’s not about how much you love someone, but how much you are willing to risk, how much courage you have to embrace the unexpected.
I am fully aware that this may all go horribly wrong, that I may end up getting hurt and humiliated for admitting that I love him and for free falling for someone who I doubt I’ll be able to stand up from again, if he doesn’t catch me. But you know what, I always say that and we all worry about getting hurt, but I look at my past and what I have made it through and I figure, meh.. fukkit – I’ll make it through this too.
What I will not, can never, bear, is not taking this chance. I have to at the very least try. And so I put my reservations away and brush the doubt out of my mind and I love him, pure and simple. What else is a girl to do?