I have a good thing right now.
I have a good thing right now. So good, in fact, that I do not feel the need to explain it to you or justify it. It is good, and therefore it is.
Being who I am, I have realised that there is one catch to a good thing… The best feelings in life are inexplicable and they are great in an uninhibited and uncomplicated manner which is unquestionable. The underlying conundrum, however, is that when one does not question what is right in front of you, a great amount of trust is required. That’s why people seek definition and reasoning behind every emotion, that’s why people cannot function beyond the norm of social convention. They need the label – they need the validation, because they lack trust in human kind to be able to simply be without guarantee.
Right now, I have a great thing with no guarantee and a whole lot of trust is therefore required from me. On some days, it feels like I’m bluffing my way through a game of Russian roulette when I know my only bullet was loaded in his gun, yet he is blissfully unaware of that fact. He still plays and I stand and watch and wait for the game to end. He won. I will loose here, no doubt … Then on other days I feel like I’m going along with a lie that I know does not exist. That the truth is merely the reality and therefore would make no difference if spoken out loud.
On most days, however, I undeniably feel good, inexplicably and unquestionably so, with no desire to change it or define it, simply a desire to live it and let it be. Granted, I have the same fears as I have had every day of my life – am I good enough; will he abuse my trust and good graces; is it only a physical thing; does he really care; would things be different if I was pretty; is he going to leave?
But that is not his fault and has nothing to do with nothing really. It is rather the headstrong manipulation of my mind by my insecurities that plague me. With him, it’s like I have a cheat sheet. I know he is going to leave and that he is disinterested in me. That much has been made abundently clear and I expect it. Anything else would shake my world to its very core. I don’t know if it’s made it easier, for like him, I do, and know that, he does, but it certainly has made for a less bothered me. There is nothing, ergo, there is nothing to be bothered by.
I guess in a way I am being naive because I choose to be that way, because it is fun. Nothing comes from nothing, and despite the human race’s best endeavour, every action has an emotional connection, every moment affects us and changes us and creates a new way of thinking, which in the end shapes our character.
Judge me and lecture me all you want, but I maintain that I have a good thing right now. It is good, and therefore it is, but I remind myself that I am no fool. I know how and why this is going to end eventually – if something that didn’t start can in fact be said to end? – and as long as I keep that thought alive, I will continue to have a good thing right now without fear of uncertainty and in the end, it will not matter so much that it was the end.