Dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one’s taste.
A person or thing dismissed as failing to meet standards or satisfy tastes.
This week, I was that thing (or person). It must not have meant to happen that way, and perhaps my brain and my body have become so out of sync that I no longer know what’s real and what is my disproportionate self, but this week, I felt inadequate. Unable to meet anybody’s standard or satisfy your taste. Might I pause here to point out that even though I feel this way, I also know that no-one can make me feel anything that I do not allow, so although the world has been batting me, it is I who have allowed it to affect my average.
But then, how could I satisfy taste? I’m not pretty in that long legged, small waisted kind of way. I’m not in need of saving and I’m not outside of your reach. I am just me, I’m honest about it and although I know I’m high maintenance, I hide it well enough from your unforgiving scrutiny. For the truth in my life is that I shall not be forgiven. People make mistakes all the time. People hurt me and disappoint me and shun me and are less than the best versions of themselves, and I understand that, can forgive that. Yet with me… I step outside of the little box I’ve been bullied into, open my mouth and say one thing wrong, or I act in an unacceptable way just one time, and BAM. That’s the end of that. Judged, rejected, denied.
Or have I just become so cynical that I expect that from people? That I expect that they will leave and therefore I no longer allow anyone to really know what I’m thinking or feeling about anything. Or anyone. Is this protecting my heart from more hurt? Or is this preventing anyone from ever loving me again? Would I be better off reverting to being the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, who believed in love and romance and the simple act of dating without the need to define the impending doom that will be.
I have to ask myself, have I become so cynical about the idea of someone loving me that I have become incapable of showing someone how much I am capable of loving them?