The uncensored truth (Caution: I’m telling you what you already know)

The truth?

The truth is that I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to care enough about what we have to not let me deliberately ruin it. The truth is that since the first time we fought I have been telling you the simple truth you already know, but now it is undeniable and borderline destructive.

I like you. You are more than a friend to me.

Does that mean I want a relationship in the traditional sense? You should know me better than that… My melancholy stems from the useless hope that there is something out there that will make you feel this desire and passion I have, this connection that makes me feel good. Problem is, good is not good enough.

I’m not one for issues and “why me” conversations. It is martyrdom valley to sit and listen to why a guy who can so easily fall in love and is quick to lust, cannot like me. I don’t need to hurt more. I just need to acknowledge the simple truth, look it square in the eye and then detroy it.

The truth is that I like you. And I want to revel in that, flaunt it and enjoy it, not feel ashamed about it.

The truth is that you do not like me. And you will not be with me in that carefree and amazing way I see it in my head sometimes. It is not because you can’t like me, the harsh truth you can’t get yourself to tell me, but one I have sensed for a while now, is that it’s because you don’t want to.

And so I stand here staring at the truth and I swallow hard on it, I look down for a moment with my eyes closed. I conceded. Even though it seemed selfish, it was me setting you free. Me admitting defeat. No long good byes or torturous conversations about my feelings. Just a clean cut (for you anyway). The way you’d want it. I meticulously tie the pain up with a nice little bow and bury it deep down below the mask of all that is ok.

When I look up again, the girl you see is still the me you need me to be. Just your wierd friend, nothing else.  You’d never know, because I’d never actually tell you the raw truth. You say people should tell the truth, but the truth is that you want to hear what you want to hear when it comes to me.

So here is your lie that I live by: I’m completely ok and we are just friends hanging out and that makes me happy. I smile and talk about dinner and your hobbies and just like that, the truth is yet again what you perceive it to be.

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