For what it’s worth

For what it’s worth, I am sorry. I have tried for a while now to find the right words to explain to you that it is in no way cliché to say it is not you, it is me, in the face of the heartache and hurt I caused. The truest we can be to ourselves is to admit when we have faltered. I did not make a mistake. I know that now, as I’m sure you do, but I did not mean to entice you simply to entangle you in the ever illusive lie that is my emotions. I keep thinking that I can feel, keep hoping that if I try to be normal, I will eventually BE normal.

I did not mean for you to fall for my false pretences. I verily believed that this time I could be different, go the distance, be the better person. But I was not. I was who I always am – twisted and damaged beyond the repair of your affirmation of affection. I keep thinking that if I keep fighting, I will be happy. I keep hoping that if I change my vision, fool myself into believing the good in me is still as naïve as it used to be, I can love like I used to…

Relationships. Well, they don’t really get me, and I in turn am at once amazed and confused by those who can sustain them. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I don’t want to be in a relationship with a great man who cares for me deeply, but this was not that. This was the desperate hope that your light could bring me out of the shadows of my darkness. That who you are was such sugary coated sweetness that it would make me sweet. Make me something I am not.

I am independent. I am dark and I am damaged. It does not mean I am broken or that I need fixing. I realise that now. I cannot build happiness by submerging myself in a world which is not mine. Your world. You are not to blame for the path I have chosen or the world I have created. I do not presume to assume that my world is good, or even good for me. But, it is my world and what I want you to know, and what I say wholeheartedly and sincerely, is that it is not that you do not belong in my world. I just don’t belong in yours.

It was a fool’s errand. I hurt you. I know that. I am brave enough to know there is no excuse for that. I am sorry too. I know it does not bring the happy ending that you wanted, but this. This is the ending we have, and the only one that’s real. Not all relationships work out, it’s the sad truth people hide from each other in the veil of forever after they think will come with every love story. Not all stories have happy endings, some just have endings. It does not mean that the tale is not worth the telling, only that the truth is far more creative than fiction. It finds a million ways to mess with your dreams and change the course of your life. The only thing to do, the only thing one CAN do, is accept it, embrace it and learn from it so that next time you may spare the heart of another. I can survive my own heart breaking. I have done it often and will do it again, but the thought of hurting your heart… It is a guilt I take no pleasure in.

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