Let’s not pretend like we’re not going to pretend

Let’s not pretend that it didn’t cut deep. Let’s not pretend that this means nothing to me. I may pretend to not care, but we both know you cut me down to size and dissed and dismissed me outright.

Let’s not pretend like this was something it was not. End it must, but mutual was the underlying thread I thought existed. I guess even when I thought I was protecting myself, I let my guard down too much all the same. When will I learn? It is not to be done and opening myself is the one luxury I cannot afford, regardless of the capacity it is done in.

I realise this is my fault and I know it is all inexplicable to you, but human nature dictates that tumbling from grace is never welcomed, anticipated or agreed to easily. It’s not a change of heart. My heart has long since seized to beat to the drum of normality. It’s not your worst fear. It’s just that to pretend that this makes me happy is impossible… It’s just that I can’t pretend I’m not ashamed of not being good enough…

I’m not throwing a pity party, nor is this some unexpected occurrence. But if it’s all the same to you, I’m not gonna pretend I’m not bummed about how it twisted and turned on me when all I wanted was the good thing we had going, was the embrace of what so uncomplicatedly made me have fun without fretting too much about the fall out. I’m not going to pretend I’m feeling rainbows right now, but I’m also not going to pretend that saying any of this will change anything. For at the end of the day, pretend we will, given that this pretense is enough to make our present appear quite blissfully pleasant.

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